Moments in Time...

May: 
Adrion's kindergarten graduation...

Tori's 6th grade graduation...

Janelle's ATU graduation!

June:
Tori and Adrion started Kuk Sool Won...

Petit Jean mini-vaca...

Great Smoky Mountains vaca...

July:
Completion of 35th trip around the sun...

Casper/Yellowstone vaca...

...pics to come!

My Uncle Timmy

I'm missing you so much.  I'm wondering where you are now.  Why does God want us to love each other when our time together is so short?  I have a lot of theological and philosophical answers to that question, but my heart doesn't understand.  You had such an impact on my life--I didn't even realize how much until I lost you.  Selfish.

Thank you for all of the walks--around the pond, at Lake Fort Smith, at UAFS.  Thank you for laughing at and through Life in good times and in bad.  Thank you for showing me how to fight with grace.  Thank you for showing me how to serve others in love.  Thank you for being real and never caring about what others thought or how they lived.  Thank you for loving my Garon and my babies.  Thank you for the house in Mountainburg.  Thank you for watching the skies with me--stars, clouds, storms.

I miss you.

Fruit of the Spirit

I'm not sure how many days out I am now, but the physical symptoms from quitting meds seem to be gone. So, I am now becoming reacquainted with my emotions au natural.  So far so good.  I am, however, way less tolerant of just about everything.  My current mantra to self is: "Inhale gratitude, exhale love."

Tomorrow begins the 2014 season of lent.  This season I will focus on the Fruit of the Spirit.  I hope to faithfully give up screens...I have felt so undisciplined for the past few years with National Boards and now college consuming my choice in time, so I am hesitant to say I'm fully committed.  However, it's time to change.  I'm ready.  And I want to serve my God.  I want to be his clay.  So I will strive to be faithfully still, prioritize, and re-adjust the balance in my life that has been so completely out of whack.

I love you, Lord.  Please help me recenter on You in all things.

Withdrawal Again

The laundry list:

-night sweats, really bad.
-roller coaster of extreme agitation to deep (crying) sentimentality back to extreme agitation
-OCD
-mega headache that comes and goes since last dose
-dizziness
-brain "zaps"
-hot flashes/can't control body temp.  I'm cold then hot then cold then hot...all within 5 minutes
-sick gut
-trouble tracking/focusing eyes

The dizziness and headache were the worst to get through the first couple days totally off the med.  All of the symptoms are still present, though not as intense as those first couple days.  I've been checking out internet opinions on the subject, and these side effects could last weeks.  I'm a little nervous about becoming re-acquainted with my non-medicated self!  15 years of modern medicine's assist with mellowing me out...we shall see.

The End is in Sight? and Withdrawal: Days 1-4

I think?  I am so sick of school (college) I can't stand it.  All I have to do this semester is log internship hours and reflect on specific experiences (22), but my school mojo is g.o.n.e.  I don't remember the last time I've blogged.  No time.  Just time for running in my hamster wheel of have-to's.  Choice and freedom of time are foggy memories.  I haven't had time to keep up with my husband, my children, my house, my other relationships, my pets, my hair, birthdays, emails, letters, blogging, dates, appointments, homegroup, church...bleh.

So much has happened since I've last written here.  Too much to recount.  I've just taken it all day by day (and not very effectively) as I've inched my way to the finish line coming this May.  The most impactful event has been the loss of Tim.  I guess I'm in the anger stage of my grief because I feel mad at God's plan right now that leaves us earthlings in the dark while taking our loved ones to the light.  I know I am a small, inept, unworthy human being, but I wonder right now at God...what's the hold-up?  Why are we still here?  Humanity is more broken than ever, and though I find my rest in God's Word, I wonder sometimes if we've been left for good because of our badness...as in He's not coming back.  Dreary, dreary, dreary.  Then my emotions swing the other way, and all I can see are the unfathomable, infinite blessings in my life...Must. finish. school. Must. regain. perspective.

My main reason for blogging today is to mark the date (and post daily after today) of quitting my depression meds.  I've been on meds since I was 20, and they've served me well, but with an end to mega-stress in sight, I'm ready to be done.  For probably twelve of these years, I've taken Zoloft.  For the last couple I've taken Pristiq.  So this is the end of meds, and I am going to track my withdrawal symptoms here.

Days 1-4:  I don't know.  Pristiq is an extended-release drug given in only 50 or 100 mg doses.  I've been on 100 mg.  Cutting the pills takes away the extended-release feature of the med (and that's what I've done for the past four days), so that could explain the headache and sick stomach I've had all weekend.  However, I went home from school with fever and an extremely achy body on Friday that I don't think could have been the medicine.  So I think I've been experiencing a combination of a virus plus some withdrawal.  Familiar symptoms I'm having are dizziness and difficulty adjusting my focus (eye-tracking) from place to place.  Also, I may be having some memory issues.  Last night I was trying to get "David Blayne" out of my head in a conversation with Garon, but all I could get out was "You know that guy, Bill Stood."  Whoa. 

Adrion is 5!!

Adrian Bean, Eli, Hannah, Eli, and Adrion

Eli, Tori, Emma, Storm Trooper, Adrion, Eli, Adrian Bean, and Luke

I cannot believe it, but my baby is five.  He is salve on my heart with his big blue eyes, his rambunctious personality, and his mama love.  What a precious gift from God.  I love you, Adrion!

Snow Day 2013

On my way home from a workshop in Alma...crossing the Arkansas River.  School dismissed early at 1:00 and closed the next day.

Beautiful!

Adrion couldn't wait to get in it!

Tori named him Frosty.

Tori's Snow Fufoo