Leave Me Alone

 

Quietude is my chosen word for 2023. (Random aside: When I shared that notion with Garon, the next song on the radio was “Quiet Riot.”) I am a quiet riot. I can do more. CL broke me for awhile, but I’m still me in this shell. I don’t want to focus inward. I want to serve and synergize and lead. Last time I asked God “Why,” I was told He knows I can lead. He wants me to learn to follow.

So now, as in other times of my life, as I competently do my job, I am targeted to carry more. How do I apply quietude and subordination to this situation? What paradigm am I supposed to be changing/challenging in this season of my life? And in preparation for what next step? I feel at the center of a spinning wheel, waiting for it to point me into my new direction. And for now, am I choosing not to take action? Am I supposed to stay quiet? To stay in the Eye of the storm? To trust my leader to speak for me? Hmm. Maybe so. Is this experience teaching me better integrity? Tolerance? Definition of character?

I thought this direction out of education and into a one-dimensional exam job was because of its linear simplicity. My question now… “How do I respond? What is my position?” Do I let them walk on me and stay quietly subordinate? Do I fight as I have in the past? My current feeling is to accept what comes, but state how I feel about it. I’ve worked under leadership that added to my load without my consent…without caring to understand my current load or capacity. I was called “efficient.” As I re-read this last paragraph, it makes me feel heavy. Maybe I shouldn’t accept what comes. I don’t know.

Is a quiet riot like a peaceful protest? How do I do that? Another similar phrase applied to me in my recent past…positive deviant. I guess I’m just an oxymoron.

Freedom

 Quietude

My new life has begun. I've spent the past 6 months grieving CL and learning my new job. The transition was abrupt and painful. Relationships were lost. But I am okay. I am thankful and so very blessed. Today begins a fresh, blank page. The past is in the past.

Contemplations

I've had some recurring thought sequences for the past couple of months that I want to document before this piece of time fades away...

1.  Seasons of Life...A new one has come. And there are so many more than four...I think God's seasonal model for us has many substages, and Life is a spiral of seasons as we learn and move upward and around the frame...and with marriage, it looks like the double helix of DNA...two lives fighting to grow together, supporting each other's progress.

The season I am moving into feels like liberation from old paradigms I've stood behind. It's like seeing the Rockies from the top of Quandary's Peak. It's time for the next level. I feel empowered and bold...but still waiting for His timing. It's close though. My CL contract ends in three months and three weeks. (I'm not counting the freedom of Spring Break.) At the end of this contract is the end of my obligation to the Impact program and the end of my 10 years of National Board bonuses. I'm working on my presentation for the school board of my 17-year journey at CL, and I feel like it will be a farewell message. I've almost finished reading the Bible cover to cover...a one-year goal that is in year 5. That accomplishment feels like a milestone, too...I can almost see from the top of that mountain.

2. I Am What I Am...Daddy's girl. I watched a documentary on National Geographic today called Torn. The central character is like Dad, driven by a force more intense than most people's. He has a restlessness and passion for life that pushes him to the edge...my sister and I have it, too. His brother and sister have it. I think Grandpa Wendell is the source--or maybe the dynamic combination of Wendell and Marcia...both being powerful forces in mind and spirit. My sis and I have had so many conversations about how that furious blood feels, affecting our contentment and decision-making...sinking us in melancholy, and then igniting us in elation. Today I choose to change my paradigm of fighting that force. I won't apologize for it anymore. It is how I'm made...why would I fight a trait within myself that I admire so much in my dad? It's mine by birthright. So be it.

3. What'snext?? and Hiswillnotmine...my two most recent passwords at work. I am so excited for change, and my need for it to crush me like a tidal wave is becoming palpable, almost tangible. I don't know what God's will might be for this next season, but I am poised for it--ready to ride.

4. Charleston FBC...this is a weird one. Our very good friends Chris and Becky are there now. Adrion has been attending youth events with their son. A few weeks ago, the horror of the dark side of technology happened in our home, and I know the only way to stand against it is with other Christian people. How could I stand before God one day and explain why I didn't stop it for my children? With Mom and Dad in WY and CO and the wonderful previous pastor gone from Vesta UMC, it has been time for change there, too. So G and I made a decision to step into Charleston FBC for our children. It's so strange, and I don't understand yet, but I feel at home there. Whatever disgust I fed from my childhood experiences in Charleston seems to be resolved. I feel love and an open heart.

I am grateful. I am thankful for my Life. I am thankful for my marriage. I am thankful for my beautiful children. I am thankful for our warm home and the freedom to roam. My foundation is firm. Time for the next step.

View from the Bottom

 I've been here before. It's a lonely place. I'm in a self-made unreachable valley. 

But I've been here before. And I know the way out. But that way is not my way. Until I fully surrender, I have to stay here, wandering. Wallowing. Angry. Irritated. Sad.

God sent a Friend to me yesterday. A fellow educator whose career path has crossed mine a few times. She walked a parallel journey of utter surrender a few years ago. She was broken at God's feet. She didn't know what steps were to come. But she was redeemed. Her career was redeemed. 

I am arrogant, prideful, obstinant. I also feel helpless, inept, and buried under the weight of others' perceptions and beliefs. I crave a work environment where transparency, honesty, and growth mindset are the foundation. In my current space, we are all just surviving.

I want to see the good. I want to be the good. I want to feel hope. These verses give me Faith:

"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

"All things work together for good for them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

"To the right and to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying, 'This is the way; walk in it." Isaiah 30:21

"For I know the plans I have for you." Jeremiah 29:11

"Speak life." Ephesians 4:29

"He who began a good work in you will carry it on to competion." Philippians 1:6

Ch-ch-changing…

 Goodbye, Social Media. Except for this blog. Does it count? I’ve deleted my accounts on Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat. I don’t want to be searchable. I don’t want relationships through screens. I don’t want updates on people’s lives who I don’t see in real life. I don’t want to get mad about something on someone else’s feed. It’s too much. It’s an invasion to my growth as a human. How many hours have I spent mindlessly scrolling? I want to choose the topics I read about. If I want to know about someone’s life, I want to have a real conversation. 

Also….my current password on my work computer is “What’s next?” I’m at a crossroads. Two masters degrees, NBCT, 5/6 endorsement/praxis…I’ve been going to school my whole career. But now what? Time for change. Is my next door even in education? Will all of my knowledge and experience be for naught? This is year 17. 11 to go if I go for full teacher retirement. That’s really not long if I can get into a different position. 10 years now as counselor/T1/ELL/504s/whatever…and Adrion moved to Lavaca two weeks ago. I’m alone now at CL. Do I stay there without my kids? I don’t know. God knows. Being still is hard. But in 8 months, I can do something different. I really don’t want to sign the CL contract. Unless it was as principal? I don’t know if I even want that role. 

My intuition says be present. Be mindful. Don’t worry. 

Okay. But is that Wyoming calling???

Kamp Kerns

Our own personal nature sanctuary is almost up and running. I had the idea, and Dad ran with it. What a wonderful place this will be for years to come. Our camping trailers are not currently there since both are in-shop for maintenance, but the space is ready. Welcome to Kamp Kerns!

My List of Hiking/Etc. Essentials

Bucket hat

Ear warmers

Gloves

Sunscreen

Bug spray

Backpack

First aid pack: bandaids, hydrocortizone cream, triple ointment, aspirin, acetametaphin, ibuprofin, dramamine, tums, alcohol, eye drops...

Sunglasses

Hot hands

Hiking poles (one for uphill, two for downhill)

Water filter

Water

Salty snacks

Electolyte replenishment (Mios)

Headlamp

Lighter

iphone

Satellite phone

poncho

outer shell

wool socks x2

toothbrush/toothpaste

brush/rubberband

quick-dry clothing/layers

hiking shoes

sandals

bedding layers (under, blowup, sleeping bag)

tent

pocket water heater (pocket rocket, etc.)

baby wipes

multipurpose knife/tool

O2 (for 14ers)

Battery chargers/cords

Meds

                                                                TX/NM border 7-8-21