View from the Bottom

 I've been here before. It's a lonely place. I'm in a self-made unreachable valley. 

But I've been here before. And I know the way out. But that way is not my way. Until I fully surrender, I have to stay here, wandering. Wallowing. Angry. Irritated. Sad.

God sent a Friend to me yesterday. A fellow educator whose career path has crossed mine a few times. She walked a parallel journey of utter surrender a few years ago. She was broken at God's feet. She didn't know what steps were to come. But she was redeemed. Her career was redeemed. 

I am arrogant, prideful, obstinant. I also feel helpless, inept, and buried under the weight of others' perceptions and beliefs. I crave a work environment where transparency, honesty, and growth mindset are the foundation. In my current space, we are all just surviving.

I want to see the good. I want to be the good. I want to feel hope. These verses give me Faith:

"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

"All things work together for good for them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

"To the right and to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying, 'This is the way; walk in it." Isaiah 30:21

"For I know the plans I have for you." Jeremiah 29:11

"Speak life." Ephesians 4:29

"He who began a good work in you will carry it on to competion." Philippians 1:6

Ch-ch-changing…

 Goodbye, Social Media. Except for this blog. Does it count? I’ve deleted my accounts on Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat. I don’t want to be searchable. I don’t want relationships through screens. I don’t want updates on people’s lives who I don’t see in real life. I don’t want to get mad about something on someone else’s feed. It’s too much. It’s an invasion to my growth as a human. How many hours have I spent mindlessly scrolling? I want to choose the topics I read about. If I want to know about someone’s life, I want to have a real conversation. 

Also….my current password on my work computer is “What’s next?” I’m at a crossroads. Two masters degrees, NBCT, 5/6 endorsement/praxis…I’ve been going to school my whole career. But now what? Time for change. Is my next door even in education? Will all of my knowledge and experience be for naught? This is year 17. 11 to go if I go for full teacher retirement. That’s really not long if I can get into a different position. 10 years now as counselor/T1/ELL/504s/whatever…and Adrion moved to Lavaca two weeks ago. I’m alone now at CL. Do I stay there without my kids? I don’t know. God knows. Being still is hard. But in 8 months, I can do something different. I really don’t want to sign the CL contract. Unless it was as principal? I don’t know if I even want that role. 

My intuition says be present. Be mindful. Don’t worry. 

Okay. But is that Wyoming calling???

Kamp Kerns

Our own personal nature sanctuary is almost up and running. I had the idea, and Dad ran with it. What a wonderful place this will be for years to come. Our camping trailers are not currently there since both are in-shop for maintenance, but the space is ready. Welcome to Kamp Kerns!

My List of Hiking/Etc. Essentials

Bucket hat

Ear warmers

Gloves

Sunscreen

Bug spray

Backpack

First aid pack: bandaids, hydrocortizone cream, triple ointment, aspirin, acetametaphin, ibuprofin, dramamine, tums, alcohol, eye drops...

Sunglasses

Hot hands

Hiking poles (one for uphill, two for downhill)

Water filter

Water

Salty snacks

Electolyte replenishment (Mios)

Headlamp

Lighter

iphone

Satellite phone

poncho

outer shell

wool socks x2

toothbrush/toothpaste

brush/rubberband

quick-dry clothing/layers

hiking shoes

sandals

bedding layers (under, blowup, sleeping bag)

tent

pocket water heater (pocket rocket, etc.)

baby wipes

multipurpose knife/tool

O2 (for 14ers)

Battery chargers/cords

Meds

                                                                TX/NM border 7-8-21

Quandary Peak

 I am so grateful. My first 14er happened Sat. July 10th. A coworker of Garon's unexpectedly had a climbing partner cancel on her, so she asked Garon if I would go. Well, Adrion and I went. I joke that my emotional spectrum is broken after this past year, but standing on top of the mountain may have re-opened my heart. The message I'm hearing, though, is one of change. I don't know what it means or what's ahead, but nothing feels certain anymore...the education journey is leaving me unfulfilled. 

                                                                Blue Lakes Campground

                                                                            Awesome.

Existential Crisis or Midlife Enlightenment?

 Goals:

1. Finish reading the Bible. As a Christian, I believe I need to read the whole Book, cover to cover. It was a goal to have accomplished by my 40th birthday (I'll be 42 in July). I have one chapter left of the OT...maybe I can finish this summer.

2. Hike more. Hike A LOT. My newest thought...hike a 14er on my birthday for the rest of my life. The difficulty is finding a hiking partner. I think Adrion is game...

3. Write more. Here. Be transparent. Who cares?

4. Read more.

5. Be me. No more striving. No more degrees. No more careful conversations. Just be me, a less-than-perfect human who loves God.

General Updates and Onward!

 From June 6, 2019 to Now:

August 2019--Tori and Adrion baptized in Cove Lake and then sprinkled by water from the Jordan River.

New Year's 2020--Can and Nell to WY to celebrate with Marcia and Todd...Todd to start chemo late Jan.

Feb. 9, 2020--Jillyboo dies suddenly. Adrion turns 12.

Mar. 1, 2020--Donna dies.

Mar. 13, 2020 (Friday the 13th)--Last day of school for 2020. Covid pandemic hits.

Apr. 23, 2020--Tori turns 18.

May 1, 2020--Garon starts new job at ACHE

June 2020--Dad and I go to WY...I stay with Marcia, and Dad and Todd go to Denver for stem cell transplant.

June 5, 2020--Tori earns Black Belt.

July 12, 2020--Tori finally gets a HS graduation ceremony.

July 13, 2020--Troy White dies of heart attack. 

Aug. 4, 2020--Tori moves to ATU.

Aug. 24, 2020--The year of Covid begins at school. Masks mandated.

Sept. 26, 2020--Kernses buy camper.

Dec. 17, 2020--I graduate UA with second Master's. Mom is 72.

Dec. 2020--Tori out of college for now.

Feb. 8, 2021--Snuffy dies.

March 2021--Me to WY to visit. 

May 20, 2021--Lauren graduates HS.

May 29, 2021--Family to AZ for Sarah and Josh's wedding.

June 2021--Babe dies.

This Saturday, June 19th--Leaving for Florida vacation.

Soooo, ONWARD!!!