View from the Bottom

 I've been here before. It's a lonely place. I'm in a self-made unreachable valley. 

But I've been here before. And I know the way out. But that way is not my way. Until I fully surrender, I have to stay here, wandering. Wallowing. Angry. Irritated. Sad.

God sent a Friend to me yesterday. A fellow educator whose career path has crossed mine a few times. She walked a parallel journey of utter surrender a few years ago. She was broken at God's feet. She didn't know what steps were to come. But she was redeemed. Her career was redeemed. 

I am arrogant, prideful, obstinant. I also feel helpless, inept, and buried under the weight of others' perceptions and beliefs. I crave a work environment where transparency, honesty, and growth mindset are the foundation. In my current space, we are all just surviving.

I want to see the good. I want to be the good. I want to feel hope. These verses give me Faith:

"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

"All things work together for good for them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

"To the right and to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying, 'This is the way; walk in it." Isaiah 30:21

"For I know the plans I have for you." Jeremiah 29:11

"Speak life." Ephesians 4:29

"He who began a good work in you will carry it on to competion." Philippians 1:6

Ch-ch-changing…

 Goodbye, Social Media. Except for this blog. Does it count? I’ve deleted my accounts on Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat. I don’t want to be searchable. I don’t want relationships through screens. I don’t want updates on people’s lives who I don’t see in real life. I don’t want to get mad about something on someone else’s feed. It’s too much. It’s an invasion to my growth as a human. How many hours have I spent mindlessly scrolling? I want to choose the topics I read about. If I want to know about someone’s life, I want to have a real conversation. 

Also….my current password on my work computer is “What’s next?” I’m at a crossroads. Two masters degrees, NBCT, 5/6 endorsement/praxis…I’ve been going to school my whole career. But now what? Time for change. Is my next door even in education? Will all of my knowledge and experience be for naught? This is year 17. 11 to go if I go for full teacher retirement. That’s really not long if I can get into a different position. 10 years now as counselor/T1/ELL/504s/whatever…and Adrion moved to Lavaca two weeks ago. I’m alone now at CL. Do I stay there without my kids? I don’t know. God knows. Being still is hard. But in 8 months, I can do something different. I really don’t want to sign the CL contract. Unless it was as principal? I don’t know if I even want that role. 

My intuition says be present. Be mindful. Don’t worry. 

Okay. But is that Wyoming calling???