Melancholy...

..has a hold on me.  I feel sad, disgruntled, mad, stagnant, dissatisfied, reclusive, meditative, frustrated...I haven't blogged in a while, and this is why.  There is no specific reason for my slumpiness, it just is.  I'm ready for change, and I don't know from which direction to expect it.  My spiritual self says, "Give it up.  Let go."  But my cognitive self says, "It's mine.  I can figure it out." 

I want the best for my family.  For all of us.  I'm ready to settle into something, but what is it?  My heart's desire is for a life of quality and simplicity away from the fanatic pace of purposelessness that our society's image endorses.  I don't want to play anymore.  I want to give my life to my family.  I want to turn off all of the tv's, computers, phones, games, and gadgets and get real.  I want to be reconnected to the earth.  I want to raise my own food, can my own food, teach my own kids, cook quality dinners, clean my nest, write, project, exercise, spend quality family time, enjoy nature, commune with God...

I'm coming to the conclusion that resolving all of these wants in my/our present style-of-life is just not going to happen.  Some women seem to do it all.  I can't.  Or I just don't want to.  What's the point?  To have lots of stuff?  I want time.  I want my kids.  I want my husband.  I don't want to feel strung out and less than me.

So change is coming, and I know what I want.  I know what my kids deserve.  I know what my husband deserves.  I want to be better, and I can't do that when I'm spread in so many directions.  Sumpin's gotta give.