So we got home from County Line's yearly pre-school picnic tonight a couple of hours ago, and I should be asleep, but since my summer internal clock is still ticking, here I am. The picnic (or cook-out I guess I should say) was on Mt. Magazine, and it's just so beautiful down there. The weather was good, too--nice and cool up there on top of Arkansas...
So of course with all of my co-workers comes all of the kids. Lots and lots of kids, and Tori was way excited. Tori has had a lot of fun this summer playing with her cousins and a few of my friends' kids, and I know that she's ready to go back to school to see her County Line buddies, too. I love that she is super social and wants to build those relationships.
All of that said though, those relationships are very hard for her. When she is out of the regular routine like we've been all summer, I forget that she's different. (With her Asperger's, normal social connections are so hard for her.) Then, like tonight, when I see her struggle, my heart breaks. I need to back up though and explain...
When we got there, several kids younger than Tori were playing with some balls. Tori wanted to go play, too, but she wasn't sure how to approach the new kids. I encouraged her to go ahead, and she did, but she was more of an observer running around the action than a participant. She wants so badly to play, but she doesn't understand the "rules" that go into cooperative play. Tori was trying, though, so I didn't hover. Then, when it was time to eat, I went to get her and found her laying on the ground by herself. When I asked her what was up, she fought her tears and said, "No one will play with me."
Times like that absolutely KILL me. My Tori is truly going to break my heart a million times over before I get her grown...Anyway, she did keep trying, but the rest of the night was no more successful than the beginning. It's just heart-wrenching for me because she cannot understand why she feels the way she feels or why the other kids want to play so much differently than she does. I can see the sadness, confusion and hurt in her expressions, and all I can do is ask God to help me give her the tools to make it in this thing called humanity. As her mother, I just want to hide her away from it all--homeschool is very tempting...
With Asperger's, the social part is supposed to really hit a wall at around 3rd grade. If we get that far in public school and Tori can't cope, I will take her out. Tori has too many adults in her life who love her and understand her quirks for me to let her suffer through that part of childhood. School can be so brutal, and then in retrospect it means nothing. If anything, many adults work for years afterward to resolve the hurts left from the damage done by those immature relationships. There are other ways for us to get Tori to adulthood.
Anyway, my heart hurts tonight. I cannot dwell too long on my Tori's disadvantages though. She is my beautiful gift from God, and I love her more than my life. I just have to put her in God's able hands and know that I am small and He is big. She's my little lady, and God gave her to me while we're here on this earth, so I'll do everything I can for her. She is amazing, and I am blessed.
Okay...I'm going to go cuddle with my baby now. Maybe I can get a minute of sleep before he's up to eat!
