The Space Between

 

Where will I land?

Leave Me Alone

 

Quietude is my chosen word for 2023. (Random aside: When I shared that notion with Garon, the next song on the radio was “Quiet Riot.”) I am a quiet riot. I can do more. CL broke me for awhile, but I’m still me in this shell. I don’t want to focus inward. I want to serve and synergize and lead. Last time I asked God “Why,” I was told He knows I can lead. He wants me to learn to follow.

So now, as in other times of my life, as I competently do my job, I am targeted to carry more. How do I apply quietude and subordination to this situation? What paradigm am I supposed to be changing/challenging in this season of my life? And in preparation for what next step? I feel at the center of a spinning wheel, waiting for it to point me into my new direction. And for now, am I choosing not to take action? Am I supposed to stay quiet? To stay in the Eye of the storm? To trust my leader to speak for me? Hmm. Maybe so. Is this experience teaching me better integrity? Tolerance? Definition of character?

I thought this direction out of education and into a one-dimensional exam job was because of its linear simplicity. My question now… “How do I respond? What is my position?” Do I let them walk on me and stay quietly subordinate? Do I fight as I have in the past? My current feeling is to accept what comes, but state how I feel about it. I’ve worked under leadership that added to my load without my consent…without caring to understand my current load or capacity. I was called “efficient.” As I re-read this last paragraph, it makes me feel heavy. Maybe I shouldn’t accept what comes. I don’t know.

Is a quiet riot like a peaceful protest? How do I do that? Another similar phrase applied to me in my recent past…positive deviant. I guess I’m just an oxymoron.

Freedom

 Quietude

My new life has begun. I've spent the past 6 months grieving CL and learning my new job. The transition was abrupt and painful. Relationships were lost. But I am okay. I am thankful and so very blessed. Today begins a fresh, blank page. The past is in the past.